WE WERE EXPECTING our first child while my husband was a captain stationed at Fort Ord, Calif. The "big day" came, and I was in advanced labor when we arrived at Silas B. Hays Army Hospital. An hour later, our daughter was born. My husband went out to telephone relatives and overheard an enlisted man berate a nurse: "Isn't that just like the Army! My wife's been in labor for seven hours, then some captain's wife comes in and they let her have her baby first!"
--Contributed to "Humor In Uniform" by Fran Britton

posted by Dj on 10:02 AM | | link

Funerals

A well known cardiologist died, and an elaborate funeral was planned. A huge heart covered in flowers stood behind the casket during the service.

Following the eulogy, the heart opened, and the casket rolled inside. The heart then closed, sealing the doctor in the beautiful heart forever.

At that point, one of the mourners burst into laughter. When confronted, he said, "I'm sorry, I was just thinking of my own funeral, I'm a gynecologist.

posted by Dj on 9:09 PM | | link

MATTHEW, a student in my kindergarten class, needed constant prodding to get his work done. When I taught first grade the following year, Matthew was in my class again. His work habits had not improved, and I had to keep after him. One day he was especially far behind. "If you don't get that page done before recess," I told him, "you won't be able to go out and play."
He started to write, then looked up and asked, "Do you teach second grade too?"
-- Contributed to Reader's Digest "All In a Day's Work" by Margaret E. Greet

posted by Dj on 8:54 PM | | link

THE ATTRACTIVE young Peace Corps volunteer was speaking at a meeting of our Rotary Club. She described her work in a small African nation and told how a native had informally adopted her as his daughter.

One day a stranger asked for her hand in marriage. Adhering to custom, the adoptive father asked what livestock the stranger could give in return. When the man said four cows, the father refused, saying that for such a fair young woman the price should be ten cows.

As she concluded her remarks and was returning to her chair, a young man in the audience stood up and asked enthusiastically, "Are you still single?"

Perplexed, she answered, "Yes."

"Great!" he exclaimed. "I've got ten cows."

-- Contributed to Reader's Digest "Life In These United States" by Robert L. Beckmann

posted by Dj on 4:30 PM | | link

An Engineer in Hell

An engineer dies and reports to the pearly gates. St. Peter checks his dossier and says, "Ah, you're an engineer - you're in the wrong place." So the engineer reports to the Gates of Hell and is let in. Pretty soon, the engineer gets dissatisfied with the level of comfort in Hell, and starts designing and building improvements. After a while, they've got air conditioning, flush toilets and escalators, and the engineer is becoming a pretty popular guy.

One day God calls Satan up on the telephone and asks with a sneer, "So, how's it going down there in Hell?"

Satan replies, "Hey, things are going great. We've got air conditioning, flush toilets and escalators, and there's no telling what this engineer is going to come up with next."

God replies, "What??? You've got an engineer? That's a mistake - he should never have gotten down there; send him up here."

Satan says, "No way! I like having an engineer on the staff, and I'm keeping him."

God says, "Send him back up here or I'll sue."

Satan laughs uproariously and answers, "Yeah right. And just where are YOU going to get a lawyer?"

posted by Dj on 4:10 PM | | link

New State Mottos

Alabama: Hell Yes, We Have Electricity
Alaska: 11,623 Eskimos Can't Be Wrong!
Arizona: But It's A Dry Heat
Arkansas: Literacy Ain't Everything
California: By 30, Our Women Have More Plastic Than Your Honda
Colorado: If You Don't Ski, Don't Bother
Connecticut: Like Massachusetts, Only The Kennedy's Don't Own It Yet
Delaware: We Really Do Like The Chemicals In Our Water
Florida: Ask Us About Our Grandkids
Georgia: We Put The "Fun" In Fundamentalist Extremism
Hawaii: Haka Tiki Mou Sha'ami Leeki Toru (Death To Mainland Scum, But Leave Your Money)
Idaho: More Than Just Potatoes ... Well Okay, We're Not, But The Potatoes Sure Are Real Good
Illinois: Please Don't Pronounce the "S"
Indiana: 2 Billion Years Tidal Wave Free
Iowa: We Do Amazing Things With Corn
Kansas: First Of The Rectangle States
Kentucky: Five Million People; Fifteen Last Names
Louisiana: We're Not ALL Drunk Cajun Wackos, But That's Our Tourism Campaign
Maine: We're Really Cold, But We Have Cheap Lobster
Maryland: If You Can Dream It, We Can Tax It
Massachusetts: Our Taxes Are Lower Than Sweden's (For Most Tax Brackets)
Michigan: First Line Of Defense From The Canadians
Minnesota: 10,000 Lakes... And 10,000,000,000,000 Mosquitoes
Mississippi: Come And Feel Better About Your Own State
Missouri: Your Federal Flood Relief Tax Dollars At Work
Montana: Land Of The Big Sky, The Unabomber, Right-wing Crazies, And Very Little Else
Nebraska: Ask About Our State Motto Contest
Nevada: Hookers and Poker!
New Hampshire: Go Away And Leave Us Alone
New Jersey: You Want A ##$%##! Motto? I Got Yer ##$%##! Motto Right Here!
New Mexico: Lizards Make Excellent pets
New York: You Have The Right To Remain Silent, You Have The Right To An Attorney ...
North Carolina: Tobacco Is A Vegetable
North Dakota: We Really Are One Of The 50 States!
Ohio: At Least We're Not Michigan
Oklahoma: Like The Play, Only No Singing
Oregon: Spotted Owl... It's What's For Dinner
Pennsylvania: Cook With Coal
Rhode Island: We're Not REALLY An Island
South Carolina: Remember The Civil War? We Didn't Actually Surrender
South Dakota: Closer Than North Dakota
Tennessee: The Educashun State
Texas: Si' Hablo Ingles (Yes, I Speak English)
Utah: Our Jesus Is Better Than Your Jesus
Vermont: Yep
Virginia: Who Says Government Stiffs And Slackjaw Yokels Don't Mix?
Washington: Help! We're Overrun By Nerds And Slackers!
Washington, D.C.: Wanna Be Mayor?
West Virginia: One Big Happy Family... Really!
Wisconsin: Come Cut The Cheese
Wyoming: Where Men Are Men ... and the sheep are all scared!

posted by Dj on 4:06 PM | | link

The Ferrari

A hip young man goes out and buys the best car available: a brand new Ferraari 550. It is also the most expensive car in the world, and it cost him $500,000. He take the new car out for a spin and stops for a red light. An old man on a Moped (about 75 years old) pulls up next to him.

The old man looks over at the sleek, shiny car and asks, "What kind of car 'ya got there, sonny?"

The young man replies, "A Ferrari 550. It cost half a million dollars!"

"That's a lot of money," says the old man. "Why does it cost so much?"

"Because this car can do up to 320 miles an hour!" states the young dude proudly.

The Moped driver asks, "Mind if I take a look inside?"

"No problem," replies the owner.

So the old man pokes his head in the window and looks around. Then sitting back on his Moped, the old man says, "That's a pretty nice car, all right ... but I'll stick with my Moped!"

Just then the light changes so the guy decides to show the old man just what his car can do. He floors it, and within 30 seconds the speedometer reads 160 mph. Suddenly, the notices a dot in his rear view mirror. It seems to be getting closer! He slows down to see what it could be and suddenly, w-h-h-h-o-o-o-o-s-s-s--h-h-h! Something whips by him, going much faster!

"What on earth could be going faster than my Ferrari?" the young man asks himself. He floors the accelerator and takes the Ferrari up to 250 mph. Then, up ahead of him, he see that it's the old man on the Moped. Amazed that the Moped could pass his Ferrari, he gives it some more gas and passes the Moped doing 275 mph! W-h-h-h-o-o-o-o-o-o-s-s-s-h-h-h!

He's feeling pretty good until he looks in the mirror and sees the old man gaining on him again. Astounded by the speed of this old guy, he floors the gas pedal and takes the Ferrari all the way up to 320 mph! Not ten seconds later, he sees the Moped bearing down on him again. The Ferrari is flat out, and there's nothing else the driver can do. Suddenly the Moped plows into the back of his Ferrari, demolishing the rear.

The young man jumps out, and unbelievably, the old man is still alive! He runs up to the mangled old man and say, "Oh my God! Is there anything I can do for you?"

The old man whispers his dying breath, "Unhook ... my suspenders ......from your rear-view mirror."

posted by Dj on 3:58 PM | | link

Facelift

A woman decides to have a facelift for her birthday. She spends $5000 and feels pretty good about the results. On her way home she stops at a news-stand to buy a paper. Before leaving, she asks the sales clerk, "I hope you don't mind my asking, but how old do you think I am?"

"About 32," the clerk replies. "I'm actually 47," the woman says happily.

A little while later she goes into McDonalds and upon getting her order, asks the counter girl the same question. She replies, "I'd guess about 29." The woman replies, "Nope I am 47." Now she is feeling really good about herself. While waiting for t! he bus home, she asks an old man the same question.

He replies, "I'm 78 and my eyesight is starting to go. Although, when I was young, there was a sure way to tell how old a woman was but it requires you let me put my hands up your shirt and feel your boobs. Then I can tell exactly how old you are." They waited in silence on the empty street until curiosity got the best of the woman and she finally says, "Well, what the hell, go ahead."

The old man slips both hands up her shirt, under her bra, and begins to feel around. After a couple of minutes she says, "Okay, Okay, how old am I?" He removes his hands and says, "You are 47."

Stunned the woman says, "That's amazing! How did you know?" The old man replied, "I was behind you in line at McDonalds!"

posted by Dj on 12:53 PM | | link

Woman's Pregnancy Q & A

Q: Should I have a baby after 35?
A: No, 35 children is enough.

Q: I'm two months pregnant now. When will my baby move?
A: With any luck, right after he finishes college.

Q: What is the most reliable method to determine a baby's sex?
A: Childbirth.

Q: My wife is five months pregnant and so moody that sometimes she's borderline irrational.
A: So what's your question?

Q: My childbirth instructor says it's not pain I'll feel during labor, but pressure. Is she right?
A: Yes, in the same way that a tornado might be called an air current.

Q: When is the best time to get an epidural?
A: Right after you find out you're pregnant.

Q: Is there any reason I have to be in the delivery room while my wife is in labor?
A: Not unless the word "alimony" means anything to you.

Q: Is there anything I should avoid while recovering from childbirth?
A: Yes, pregnancy.

Q: Do I have to have a baby shower?
A: Not if you change the baby's diaper very quickly.

Q: Our baby was born last week. When will my wife begin to feel and act normal again?
A: When the kids are in college.

10 WAYS TO KNOW IF YOU HAVE "ESTROGEN ISSUES"

1. Everyone around you has an attitude problem.

2. You're adding chocolate chips to your cheese omelet.

3. The dryer has shrunk every last pair of your jeans.

4. Your husband is suddenly agreeing to everything you say.

5. You're using your cellular phone to dial up every bumper sticker that says: "How's my driving-call 1-800-***-."

6. Everyone's head looks like an invitation to batting-practice.

7. You're convinced there's a God and he's male.

8. You can't believe they don't make a tampon bigger than Super Plus.

9. You're sure that everyone is scheming to drive you crazy.

10. The ibuprofen bottle is empty and you bought it yesterday.

TOP TEN THINGS ONLY WOMEN UNDERSTAND

10. Cats' facial expressions.

9. The need for the same style of shoes in different colors.

8. Why bean sprouts aren't just weeds.

7. Fat clothes.

6. Taking a car trip without trying to beat your best time.

5. The difference between beige, ecru, cream, off-white, and eggshell.

4. Cutting your fringe to make it grow.

3. Eyelash curlers.

2. The inaccuracy of every bathroom scale ever made.

AND, the Number One thing only women understand:

1. OTHER WOMEN

posted by Dj on 12:02 PM | | link

MY HUSBAND met me at the doctor's office for my routine checkup, and from there we decided to go out to eat. Since we had driven in separate cars, I arrived at the restaurant first. "One for dinner?" asked the hostess. "No," I replied. "There will be two of us in just a minute." When I saw the panicky look on the hostess's face, I realized I had forgotten about my appearance. Anybody could see that I was at least 8-1/2 months pregnant.
-- Contributed to Reader's Digest "Life In These United States" by Loann K. Burke

posted by Dj on 4:53 PM | | link

PRIOR TO OUR WEDDING, David and I met with the minister to discuss our marriage ceremony and various traditions, such as lighting the unity candle from two individual candles. Couples usually blow out the two candles as a sign of becoming one. Our minister said that many people were now leaving their individual candles lit to signify independence and personal freedom. He asked if we wanted to extinguish our candles or leave them burning. After thinking about it, David replied, "How about if we leave mine lit and blow out hers?"
-- Contributed to Reader's Digest "Life In These United States" by Cara Sue Taucher

posted by Dj on 9:05 PM | | link

It's Raining

A woman was having a daytime affair while her husband was at work. One wet and dreary day she was in bed with her boyfriend when, to her horror, she heard her husband's car pull into the driveway. "Oh My God hurry! Grab your clothes," she yelled to her lover, "and jump out the window. My husband's home early!"

"I can't jump out the window!" came the strangled reply from beneath the sheets, "It's raining out there!"

"If my husband catches us in here, he'll kill us both!" she replied. "He's got a very quick temper and a very large gun! The rain is the least of your problems."

So the boyfriend scoots out of bed, grabs his clothes and jumps out the window! As he begins running down the street in the pouring rain, he quickly discovers he has run right into the middle of the town's annual marathon. So he starts running along beside the others, about 300 of them.

Being naked, with his clothes tucked under his arm, he tries to "blend in" as best he can. After a little while, a small group of runners, who had been studying him with some curiosity, jogged closer. "Do you always run in the nude?" one asked.

"Oh yes" he replied, gasping in air. "It feels so wonderfully free having the air blow over all your skin while you're running."

Another runner moved alongside. "Do you always run carrying your clothes with you under your arm?"

"Oh, yes" our friend answered breathlessly. "That way I can get dressed right at the end of the run and get in my car to go home!"

Then a third runner cast his eyes a little lower and queried. "Do you always wear a condom when you run?"

"Only if it's raining."

posted by Dj on 2:50 PM | | link

Flowers

Two friends, a blonde and a redhead, are walking down the street and pass a flower shop where the redhead happens to see her boyfriend buying flowers.

She sighs and says, "Oh darn, my boyfriend is buying me flowers again." The blonde looks quizzically at her and says, "You don't like getting flowers?"

The redhead says, "I love getting flowers, but he always has expectations after giving me flowers, and I just don't feel like spending the next three days on my back with my legs in the air."

The blonde says, "Don't you have a vase?"

posted by Dj on 7:44 PM | | link

Be Realistic

A young boy went up to his father and asked "Dad, what is the difference between 'potentially' and 'realistically'?"
The father thought for a moment, then answered "Go ask your mother if she would sleep with Robert Redford for a million dollars. Then ask your sister if she would sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars. Then ask your brother if he'd sleep with Tom Cruise for a million dollars. Come back and tell me what you learn from that."
So the boy went to his mother and asked "Would you sleep with Robert Redford for a million dollars?"
The mother replied "Of course I would! I wouldn't pass up an opportunity like that."
The boy then went to his sister and asked "Would you sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars?"
The girl replied "Oh my God! I would just love to do that! I would be nuts to pass up that opportunity!"
The boy then went to his brother and asked "Would you sleep with Tom Cruise for a million dollars?"
"Of course," the brother replied. "Do you know how much a million dollars could buy!?!"
The boy pondered that for a few moments, then went back to his dad.
His father asked him "Did you find out the difference between 'potentially' and 'realistically'?"
The boy replied "Yes, sir. Potentially,we're sitting on three million bucks ... but realistically, we're living with two sluts and a fag."

posted by Dj on 7:43 PM | | link

A CALLER to our national travel agency was inquiring about quarantine regulations for transporting birds into Canada from the United States. I gave him the information. He thanked me and then said, "May I ask a question? What do they do about the birds that fly over the border?"
-- Contributed to Reader's Digest "All In a Day's Work" by Jean L. Mullin

posted by Dj on 6:53 PM | | link

Dedicated to my very good friend, Gary.

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Doggy Pet Peeves

There are even some things that really bother dogs, but not having the ability to speak (not to mention not having opposing thumbs) really hampers disclosing these facts to humans. In my great caninical wisdom, I have done some research and have now developed a list with which to convey these doggy pet peeves.

1. When you run away in the middle of a perfectly good leg humping.
2. Blaming your farts on me... not funny.
3. Yelling at me for barking... I'M A FRIGGIN' DOG YOU IDIOT!!
4. How you naively believe that the stupid cat isn't all over everything while you're gone. (Have you noticed that your toothbrush tastes a little like cat?)
5. Taking me for a walk, then not letting me check stuff out. Exactly whose walk is this anyway?
6. Any trick that involves balancing food on my nose... stop it.
7. Yelling at me for rubbing my ass on your carpet. Why'd you buy carpet?
8. Getting upset when I sniff the crotches of your guests. Sorry but I haven't quite mastered that handshake thing yet.
9. How you act disgusted when I lick myself. Look, we both know the truth, you're just jealous.
10. Dog sweaters. Have you noticed my fur?
11. Any haircut that involves bows or ribbons. Now you know why we chew your stuff up when you're not home.
12. When you insist on picking up the piles in the yard. Do you realize how far behind schedule that puts me?
13. Taking me to the vet for "the big snip," then acting surprised when I freak out every time we go back there.
14. The sleight of hand, fake fetch throw. You fooled a dog! What a proud moment for the top of the food chain.
15. Invisible fences. Why do you insist on screwing with us?

posted by Dj on 6:51 AM | | link

Burglar Trouble

A man went to the Police Station wishing to speak with the burglar who had broken into his house the night before.

"You'll get your chance in court," said the Desk Sergeant.

"No, no, no!" said the man. "I want to know howhe got into the house without waking my wife. I've been trying to do that for years!"

posted by Dj on 12:44 PM | | link

The Golfing Nun

A nun is sitting with her Mother Superior chatting. "I used some horrible language this week and feel absolutely terrible about it." "When did you use this awful language?" asks the elder. "Well, I was golfing and hit an incredible drive that looked like it was going to go over 280 yards, but it struck a phone line that is hanging over the fairway and fell straight down to the ground after going only about 100 yards." "Is that when you swore?" "No, Mother," says the nun. "After that, a squirrel ran out of the bushes and grabbed my ball in its mouth and began to run away." "Is THAT when you swore?" asks the Mother Superior again. "Well, no." says the nun. "You see, as the squirrel was running, an eagle came down out of the sky, grabbed the squirrel in his talons and began to fly away!" "Is THAT when you swore?" asks the amazed elder nun. "No, not yet. As the eagle carried the squirrel away in its claws, it flew near the green and the squirrel dropped my ball." "Did you swear THEN?" asked Mother superior, becoming impatient. "No, because the ball fell on a big rock, bounced over the sand trap, rolled onto the green, and stopped about six inches from the hole." The two nuns were silent for a moment. Then Mother Superior sighed and asked, "You missed the fucking putt, didn't you?"

posted by Dj on 12:43 PM | | link

All In A Day's Work

MY SON, A RADIOLOGIST, was the first at his hospital to perform a new procedure that removes blockage in the Fallopian tubes without surgery. He has successfully done this on several occasions, allowing previously infertile women to conceive.

My daughter-in-law and I were discussing this accomplishment. "I believe I'm the only wife in the world," she said, "who is thrilled when her husband comes home and brags: 'Guess what, honey! I got another woman pregnant today.'"
-- Contributed to Reader's Digest "All In a Day's Work" by Marjorie F. Saban

posted by Dj on 8:41 PM | | link

Christmas with Louise

This is an article submitted to a 1999 Louisville Sentinel contest to find out who had the wildest Christmas dinner. This won first prize.

As a joke, my brother used to hang a pair of panty hose over his fireplace before Christmas. He said all he wanted was for Santa to fill them. What they say about Santa checking the list twice must be true because every Christmas morning, although Jay's kids' stockings were overflowed, his poor pantyhose hung sadly empty.

One year I decided to make his dream come true. I put on sunglasses and went in search of an inflatable love doll. They don't sell those things at Walmart. I had to go to an adult bookstore downtown. If you've never been in a X-rated store, don't go. You'll only confuse yourself. I was there an hour saying things like, "What does this do?" "You're kidding me!" "Who would buy that?"

Finally, I made it to the inflatable doll section. I wanted to buy a standard, uncomplicated doll that could also substitute as a passenger in my truck so I could use the car pool lane during rush hour. Finding what I wanted was difficult. Love dolls come in many different models. The top of the line, according to the side of the box, could do things I'd only seen in a book on animal husbandry. I settled for "Lovable Louise." She was at the bottom of the price scale. To call Louise a "doll" took a huge leap of imagination.

On Christmas Eve, with the help of an old bicycle pump, Louise came to life. My sister-in-law was in on the plan and let me in during the wee morning hours, long after Santa had come and gone. I filled the dangling panty hose with Louise's pliant legs and bottom. I also ate some cookies and drank what remained of a glass of milk on a nearby tray. I went home, and giggled for a couple of hours.

The next morning my brother called to say that Santa had been to his house and left a present that had made him VERY happy but had left the dog confused. She would bark, start to walk away, then come back and bark some more. We all agreed that Louise should remain in her panty hose so the rest of the family could admire her when they came over for the traditional Christmas dinner.

My grandmother noticed Louise the moment she walked in the door. "What the hell is that?" she asked. My brother quickly explained, "It's a doll." "Who would play with something like that?" Granny snapped. I had several candidates in mind, but kept my mouth shut. "Where are her clothes?" Granny continued. "Boy, that turkey sure smells nice, Gran," Jay said, trying to steer her into the dining room. But Granny was relentless. "Why doesn't she have any teeth?" Again, I could have answered, but why would I? It was Christmas and no one wanted to ride in the back of the ambulance saying, "Hang on Granny, Hang on!"

My grandfather, a delightful old man with poor eyesight, sidled up to me and said," Hey, who's the naked gal by the fireplace?" I told him she was Jay's friend. A few minutes later I noticed Grandpa by the mantel, talking to Louise. Not just talking, but actually flirting. It was then that we realized this might be Grandpa's last Christmas at home.

The dinner went well. We made the usual small talk about who had died, who was dying, and who should be killed, when suddenly Louise made a noise that sounded a lot like my father in the bathroom in the morning. Then she lurched from the panty hose, flew around the room twice, and fell in a heap in front of the sofa. The cat screamed. I passed cranberry sauce through my nose, and Grandpa ran across the room, fell to his knees, and began administering mouth-to-mouth resuscitation. My brother fell back over his chair and wet his pants and Granny threw down her napkin, stomped out of the room, and sat in the car. It was indeed a Christmas to treasure and remember.

Later in my brother's garage, we conducted a thorough examination to decide the cause of Louise's collapse. We discovered that Louise had suffered from a hot ember to the back of her right thigh. Fortunately, thanks to a wonder drug called duct tape, we restored her to perfect health. Louise went on to star in several bachelor party movies. I think Grandpa still calls her whenever he can get out of the house.

posted by Dj on 8:38 PM | | link

Strange Things

A STRANGE thing was happening at my house.; Tampons were disappearing. * Insert Twilight Zone theme here *

Ok....A few months ago I went to my cupboard to get out a tampon and there was ONLY one left.; I could have sworn I had just bought a box the month before.; So, I go back to the store, buy a new box and forget about it.

The next month (T.O.M) I go back to the cupboard.....and VOILA....there is only ONE tampon left again.; What's going on here? Gremlins???; I go to the store and buy another box, and forget about it.

WELL.....I decided to clean out my two youngest sons closet and LOW and BEHOLD....at the bottom of their closet are the wrappers, applicators and the tampons themselves.

I am starting to FREAK!!!; Dear God, what are they doing with them?????? I get a hold of myself and tell myself that I am an adult and can handle this, despite the bizarre thoughts running through my mind.; I'm thinking, "Do I have enough money saved up in the bank for MAJOR THERAPY?"

I go to the top of the stairs and yell for my two youngest sons to "COME HERE!!!!"

They march up the stairs and find me in their room staring into the bottom of their closet.

I said "What are you doing with THOSE?; THOSE are MINE!"

My 12 year old looks like a deer caught in the headlights and is silent.

My 10 year old looks at me all innocent and says. "Well, Mom, we were playing with our G.I.; Joes and stuff... and THOSE make really good SCUD missiles...; What do YOU use them for?"

"NEVER MIND!!; GO PLAY!!!!"

posted by Dj on 8:38 PM | | link

Drive Thru Confessional

The elder priest, speaking to the younger priest, said, "I know you were reaching out to the young people when you had bucket seats put in to replace the first four pews. It worked. We got the front of the church filled first."

The young priest nodded and the old one continued, "And, you told me a little more beat to the music would bring young people back to church, so I supported you when you brought in that rock 'n roll gospel choir that packed us to the balcony."

"So," asked the young priest, "what's the problem?"

"Well," said the elder priest, "I'm afraid you've gone too far with the drive-thru confessional."

"But Father," protests the young priest. "My confessions have nearly doubled since I began that!"

"I know, but the flashing "Toot 'n Tell or Go to Hell" neon sign really has to go.

posted by Dj on 8:34 PM | | link

Lipstick Lesson

According to a news report, a certain private school in Victoria recently was faced with a unique problem. A number of 12 year old girls were beginning to use lipstick and would put it on in the bathroom. That was fine, but after they put on their lipstick they would
press their lips to the mirror leaving dozens of little lip prints. Every night, the maintenance man would remove them and the next day, the girls would put them back. Finally the principal decided that something had to be done. She called all the girls to the bathroom and met them there with the maintenance man. She explained that all these lip prints were causing a major problem for the custodian who had to clean the mirrors every night. To demonstrate how difficult it had been to clean the mirrors, she asked
the maintenance man to show the girls how much effort was required. He took out a long-handled squeegee, dipped it in the toilet, and cleaned the mirror with it. Since then, there have been no lip prints on the mirror.

There are teachers, and then there are educators.

posted by Dj on 8:33 PM | | link

The Death of Doughboy

It is with the saddest heart that we must pass on the following news.Please join us in remembering a great icon of the entertainment community.

The Pillsbury doughboy died yesterday of a yeast infection and complications from repeated pokes in the belly. He was 71. Doughboy was buried in a lightly greased coffin. Dozens of celebrities turned out to pay their respects, including Mrs. Butterworth, Hungry Jack, the California Raisins, Betty Crocker, the Hostess Twinkies, and Captain Crunch. The graveside was piled high with flours. Aunt Jemima delivered the eulogy and lovingly described Doughboy as a man who never knew how much he was kneaded.

Doughboy rose quickly in show business, but his later life was filled with turnovers. He was not considered a very 'smart' cookie, wasting much of his dough on half-baked schemes. Despite being a little flaky at times, he still, as a crusty old man, was considered a roll model for millions.

Doughboy is survived by his wife, Play Dough; two children, John Dough and Jane Dough; plus one in the oven. He is also survived by his elderly father, Pop Tart. The funeral was held at 3:50 for about 20 minutes.

posted by Dj on 8:27 PM | | link

Humor in Uniform

IT WAS RAINING QUITE HARD as Marine trainees assembled outdoors for a briefing. On a blackboard, the lieutenant instructor had prepared a detailed drawing of the tactics he wanted practiced. "Don't think we're going to call this off just because of a little rain," he said. Then he turned to the blackboard which had been washed clean.

posted by Dj on 8:09 PM | | link

Humor in Uniform

DURING MARINE FIELD TRAINING at Parris Island, S.C., my son Mike's drill instructor threw a pine cone among the recruits and yelled, "Grenade!" The trainees immediately turned away and hit the ground. "Just as I suspected," chided the drill instructor. "Not a hero among you. Didn't anyone want to jump on that grenade to save the others?" A little later the DI again threw a pine cone. This time, all the recruits but Mike jumped on the "grenade." "Why," demanded the instructor, "are you still standing there?" "Sir," Mike replied, "someone had to live to tell about it."
--Contributed to "Humor In Uniform" by Nellie A. Pennella

posted by Dj on 8:07 PM | | link

Poupon mustard

If you have children you will probably relate to this father.

As ham sandwiches go, it was perfection. A thick slab of ham, a fresh bun, crisp lettuce and plenty of expensive, light brown, gourmet mustard. The corners of my jaw aching in anticipation, I carried it to the table in our backyard, picked it up with both hands but was stopped by my wife suddenly at my side.

"Hold Johnny (our six-week-old son) while I get my sandwich," she said. I had him balanced between my left elbow and shoulder and was reaching again for the ham sandwich when I noticed a streak of mustard on my fingers. I love mustard. I had no napkin. I licked it off. It was not mustard.

No man ever put a baby down faster. It was the first and only time I have sprinted with my tongue protruding. With a washcloth in each hand I did the sort of routine shoeshine boys do, only I did it on my tongue.

Later (after she stopped crying from laughing so hard) my wife said, "Now you know why they call that mustard "Poupon.'"

posted by Dj on 8:01 PM | | link

The Importance of Using Correct E-Mail Addresses

A couple from Minneapolis decided to go to Florida for a long weekend to thaw out during one particularly icy winter. Because both had busy jobs, they had difficulty coordinating their travel schedules.

It was decided that the husband would fly to Florida on a Thursday, and his wife would follow him the next day. Upon arriving as planned, the husband checked into the hotel. There he decided to open his laptop and send his wife an e-mail back in Minneapolis.
However, he accidentally left off one letter in her address, and sent the e-mail without realizing his error.

In Houston, a widow had just returned from her husband's funeral. He was a minister of many years who had been 'called home to glory' following his heart attack. The widow checked her e-mail, expecting messages from relatives and friends. Upon reading
the first message,she fainted and fell to the floor. The widow's son rushed into the room, found his mother on the floor, and saw the computer screen which read:

To: My Loving Wife
From: Your Departed Husband
Subject: I've Arrived!

I've just arrived and have been checked in. I see that everything has been prepared for your arrival tomorrow. Looking forward to seeing you then! Hope your journey is as uneventful as mine was.

P.S. Sure is hot down here!

posted by Dj on 7:56 PM | | link

SEVERAL FRIENDS AND I were excitedly discussing our upcoming vacations when one woman remarked that a neighbor might have to forgo her trip to the West because her dog had just had three puppies and she couldn't leave them unattended. Numerous suggestions were made for the dogs' care, only to be rejected.
"For goodness' sake!" I finally piped up. "Couldn't the father's family take them?"
-- Contributed to Reader's Digest "Life In These United States" by Mary Martin May

posted by Dj on 6:55 PM | | link

posted by Dj on 12:08 PM | | link